A recent article caught the attention of the staff here with At The Crossroads. Everyone can learn to not only recognize what influence we have on others but what influence we have on ourselves. Let each of us make sure to value ourselves and the growth we are making in our lives no matter how big or small.
Silence your biggest bully: Yourself
By Roger Stark, ksl.com contributor
January 3rd, 2012 @ 8:14pm
Nobody likes a bully.
Our collective awareness of the dangers and harm of bullying are rising.
Teachers and administrators are searching for solutions, state lawmakers
are crafting bills to protect victims, yet one of the worst bullies is getting
off scot-free.
He has his way with his victim, wreaking emotional havoc, and meets little or no
resistance. You have may have witnessed this bullying and done nothing to stop it.
Who is the bully? You. The victim? Yourself.
Self-bullying is only beginning to be recognized as an emotional danger,
but a growing number of researchers are establishing the connection between
abusive self-talk and emotional pain.
Self-bullies engage in the same emotional attacks as normal bullies.
Self- bullies denigrate, criticize, use name calling and threaten.
Self-bullies are especially good at mocking and, because they know their own
history, self- bullies have all kinds of historic references that can remind of
past failures, guilt and shame.
One of the fascinating characteristics about bullying, according to educators
and authors Katherine Liepe-Levinson and Martin Levinson, is that “despite the
large number of individuals that do not agree with bullying practices, there are
very few that will intervene on behalf of the victims.” Bullying witnesses that
do not intervene are called bystanders. The researchers continue, “If the bully
faces no obstruction from the bystanders, it gives permission to continue behaving
badly.”
Consider the bully within. He or she, most often, encounters no resistance.
The bad behavior is not challenged by restraining voices. We act as our own silent
bystanders and, worse, our shame and self-hatred may offer confirming testimony
and encouragement.
Dan Olweus, a Norwegian researcher, gives this commonly accepted definition for
bullying: "A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time,
to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has
difficulty defending himself or herself."
It is important to realize that the inner self cannot detect the source of the
bullying; whether it be self-inflicted or not, it only suffers.
Self-bullies engage in the same emotional attacks as normal bullies.
Self- bullies denigrate ("You idiot!"), criticize ("You never do anything right!"),
use name calling ("You stupid…") and threaten ("The world would be better off
without you!"). Self-bullies are especially good at mocking ("Oh, that was nice!")
and, because they know their own history, self- bullies have all kinds of historic
references that can remind of past failures, guilt and shame.
What is self-bullying?
Negative, bullying, abusive self-talk can corrode your spirit, sap your strength,
ruin your focus and destroy your courage. Looking at yourself with hostile eyes
and talking to yourself with that old critical, perfectionistic, never-pleased
voice can be demoralizing and debilitating. Constant repetition of all your
imperfections, mistakes, faults, failures and character flaws can lead you down
the path toward isolation, depression and suicide. Here are some examples of
self-bullying behaviors:
• The abused wife who accepts her husband's excuses and justifications that
his verbal or physical beatings are her fault.
• The kids bullied at school who tell themselves that they'll never be good
enough, smart enough, pretty enough, successful enough or loved.
• The people harassed at work who're told they're dumb, ugly, the wrong color,
religion, nationality, gender or sexual orientation.
• The kids who think the deck is stacked against them, whose parents have
treated them badly or one or both have blamed or abandoned them.
Source: Ben Leichtling of Bullies Be Gone
Few would allow others to speak to a friend the way so many speak to themselves.
It is easily recognized as hurtful, demeaning and just plain wrong. Fewer would
use their inner-talk catch phrases in dialogue with a friend or loved one. People
just don’t go around telling those they love, “You are an idiot!” — but they
might repeat that to themselves 20 times a day. We give ourselves a pass, and
are blind to our own self-abuse.
Bullying victims often feel isolated and unsafe. When the social system, persons
of responsibility and bystanders do not come to their aid, they can feel
abandoned. By withholding self-affection and love, self-bullies can put themselves
into a social isolation similar to what other bullying victims experience.
Statements like, “I am not worthy” and “I don’t deserve anything good” prepare
one for social self- exclusion.
Mona Moore of the Anti-Bullying Centre has written, “There is a growing body
of research which indicates that individuals, whether child or adult, who are
persistently subjected to abusive behavior are at risk of stress related illnesses
which can sometimes lead to suicide.” This remains true even when that abusive
behavior is self-inflicted.
Psychology researchers and authors Kipling D. Williams, Joseph P. Forgas and
William von Hippel found, “Those who have been the targets of bullying can
suffer from long-term emotional and behavioral problems. Bullying can cause
loneliness depression, anxiety, lead to low self-esteem and increased
susceptibility to illness.”
Ben Leichtling on his “Bullies be Gone” blog discusses the part that perfectionism
plays for some: “Self-bullying perfectionism can suck the joy out of success and
ruin our lives. It’s one of the worst forms of negative self-talk.”
“We know that harassing, abusive, inner voice that focuses only on what we
didn’t do perfectly, ... has the most horrible, bullying tone when it picks on
our emotions, spirit and flesh," continued Leichtling. "It guarantees inner
emptiness, pain and self-loathing.”
Some foolishly believe they are helping motivate themselves to higher action by
their attacks. Unfortunately, the harvest is more guilt and shame, not excellence
of performance.
Related Speak kind words to yourself
Our inner dialogue or self-talk has tremendous impact on our mental and emotional
health. Being realistic in our thinking and inner chatter will help produce
feelings of self-worth and happiness.
Leichtling suggests we learn to create an inner coach that can stand up to and
dispute our bully: “Choose the future we want to create and to pursue it with
determination, courage, perseverance and grit. When we accomplish this, our paths
open up. Our internal self-talk stops being negative and becomes encouraging and
strengthening. We develop realistic goals and expectations. We motivate ourselves
by desire for the future we want instead of by avoiding the pain of old wounds
lacerated.”
When we stop being a bystander and stand up to our bully, good things happen.
Like all bullies the self-bully is not very brave and backs down when faced with
courage. When our bully leaves us alone, we find a new emotional strength. Peace
and confidence can return to our lives and we can begin to express our gifts.
In the process of recovering from addiction Roger became a licensed addiction
counselor and wrote the recovery guide, “The Waterfall Concept, A blueprint
for addiction recovery.” He blogs at his recovery website www.waterfallconcept.org .
